The last four years have been nonstop growth and evolution, more than I have ever experienced. At some points, I don’t even recognize myself. I don’t really know how to explain it, but for a big chunk of my life, I’ll say maybe from 13/14 until age 20/21, I feel like I was in this almost “sleep” state, just going in whichever direction the wind blows. I didn’t have any goals, and I didn’t have any real desire or urgency to get anywhere in life. Not because I didn’t want that, but it was never an active thought that crossed my mind. I can’t find the right words, but I feel like I was mentally disassociated from reality. I was more so existing rather than living.
I have always been a very smart, witty, and creative person but I was only looking at or thinking about what was right in front of me. I believe that’s the reason I wasn’t able to finish college. I used the term disassociated because I also don’t remember a lot from my past. I remember the major stuff and things that happened repeatedly. but there have been so many times where someone would bring up “that one time when…” and I would not have any recollection of it even if it wasn’t actually that long ago. Maybe I was physically there but not always mentally there… idk I really need someone to help me find the words for this.
Anyway, it’s December 2019. I’m in my dorm room, which I technically shouldn’t be in because I had flunked out for the 4th semester in a row, but I still had the key, so… and this YouTube video titled something like “2020 Zodiac Predictions” by Stargirl the Practical Witch comes up on my TV. I watch it knowing only my sun sign, but in the video she said to check for your sun, moon and rising. That one video led me to fall into this deep dive of astrology that I am still not out of. That was the start of my “awakening”, learning about myself and having astrology affirm things for me that I knew but didn’t necessarily have the words for really helped me get into the driver seat of my life. I was no longer just existing, I started to live.
As soon as I started to “wake up” or stop being dissociated from life, I immediately began taking huge leaps for myself. Within a year and a half, I learned how to manifest, I made my first attempts at entrepreneurship, and moved to a brand new city by myself—no friends, no family. The first time I had ever been to Atlanta was to look for apartments. I admire my boldness, but I was so not prepared. I fell on my face a few times, struggled hard, and fucked up my credit a little bit. At least I was finally thinking for myself and initiating steps toward being a fully motivated and ambitious grown woman. A lot of the time, I get frustrated because I feel like I’m “late” to something. If I had had a piece of the ambition and goals that I have now back then, I would already be a powerhouse at 24. I do give myself grace, though, and even some praise because I made personal strides in about three years that some people won’t ever make in their lives. Alternatively, it could’ve been years later that I finally started to take control of my life so I am thankful for how everything is playing out. I am in the timeline of my highest, good, deepest desires, and ultimate fulfillment.
During this point of evolving, there were so many pivotal changes to who I am as a person and how I carry myself. I learned what it means to have boundaries with others and yourself, I learned how to be level headed and considerate when there is conflict, and I learned how to be patient with myself because I made a lot of mistakes. I discovered that I am resilient, innovative, independent, and quite literally a bad bitch. However, I am the loneliest I have ever been. I lost all of my friends who knew me from way back when, maybe the disassociated version of me was more palatable for them, idk. Being in a different city also didn’t help, but all of it was necessary because I had no choice but to sit with myself.
“Those who fly solo have the strongest wings”
Now, It’s March 2024, I am in my parents’ house because I humbly needed to move back home. I continue to make personal strides, I have started therapy as well as a physical wellness journey. I feel closer to knowing what my purpose is in life and I am setting new goals for myself constantly. I still struggle with staying mentally present sometimes and with consistency, but I am a work in progress. Being back home and seeing people from my past has been interesting. As a cancer, I naturally want to hold on to any sense of nostalgia, but the nostalgia isn’t hitting for me and nobody believes me when I say that I am completely different than the Nydja that they used to know. Honestly speaking, these mfs don’t know me.. they never did, hell I didn’t even know me! I don’t mind reintroducing myself. I am comfortable in this isolation because I welcome all new things. I am constantly creating and moving towards the life that I know is for me. I no longer just go whichever way the wind blows, I blow tf back!
